By now, most of you gamers out there would have already heard of the legendary videogame espionage soldier, Mr Solid Snake.
I first got acquainted with him in Metal Gear Solid 2 on the PS2. The initial impressions went right out the window when my heavy jaw fell clumsily on my foot just as a stealth-camourflaged Snake performed the leap of fate onto a Marines tanker. What an ‘impact-ful’ meeting that was – his camouflage device crumbled under the force.
After completing MGS2, I already knew how almighty Solid Snake is with all these crazy war situations. But, as many of you would know, only about a quarter of the game was about the exploits of the legend. Sure, Snake took down an unshaven, pregnant Russian Spetnaz armed with daggers, a USP, grenades, complete with as much ammunition she can have (just as long as Snake doesn’t die) all by himself… with an M9 tranquilizer gun. But none of that experience could have prepared me for the awesomeness that was to be unveiled in Metal Gear Solid: The Twin Snakes.
Hideo Kojima tried to drop my guard by pitting the man-who-took-down-2-metal-gears-in-the-past against an old revolver freak who enjoyed getting shot in the head while taking his time to reload a 6-bullet handgun. The next thing I know, Solid Snake was up against an M1 armoured tank, complete with enemy-tracking systems and a manned machinegun. What did Snake have in his arsenal? Bazookas (according to Advance Wars, Bazooka-armed infantry units, called Mechs, are strong against tanks)? No. Stinger missiles, at least? No. Maybe Colonel Campbell would come through for Snake by dispatching an air bomber into the Alaskan base? Hell no. All Snake had was a couple of chaff and frag grenades. And he wins.
From disfigured, mask-donning psychics who can tell that Solid Snake plays Super Smash Brothers Melee to female snipers with names that are similar to the object of their fetish (hint: these animals howl), you name it, Solid Snake has killed it. A futuristic ninja who can parry streams of bullets, but not simple punches and kicks, with a hi-frequency blade? Checked. A long-lost brother who keeps whining about his father’s favouritism with an elaborate British accent? Been there, killed that. Naturally, the fact that Solid Snake was unbeatable sank in.
However, don’t by too happy, Solid Snake fans, for I have discovered David’s (that’s his real name, for those not in the know) worst enemy! One that he has yet to defeat! Guess who?
No, it’s not Solidus Snake.
No, not Raiden. He can’t even take on a heavily armed Goth poetess without first having to be sent on a tedious fetch quest, for Christ’s sake.
No, Solid Snake already called Meryl a rookie. And besides, according to MGS2, she’s dead.
Okay, enough guessing games. Let me present to you the ultimate kick-ass boss enemy that Solid Snake will NEVER be able to defeat!!
ME! That’s right, you heard me. I am Solid Snake’s worst nightmare. Remember that M1 tank incident? Well, I purposely killed Solid Snake 10 times in that boss fight. Yeah, I let him get run over by the tank on purpose. Yeah, I purposely let the M1 tank blast away at Solid Snake. It has nothing to do with my gaming skills, believe me… for I am Solid Snake’s worst nightmare. : )
Right now, the score was 98 to 0. That is to say, I have defeated Solid Snake utterly for 98 times in a row. That does not include the 8 times I accidentally shot Meryl, after the toilet incident, to death with a FAMAS, 5 times at the caves by having Solid Snake hold an unplugged frag grenade near her for 5 seconds, and the 17 times I broke her neck by a stealth-camourflaged Snake when she was disguised as a soldier.
Now that I’ve proven myself to be the true ultimate boss Solid Snake will never defeat, I will proceed with my incredibly kick-ass yet pointless speech, as dictated by Hideo Kojima tradition.
*picks up the microphone*
Snake? Snake, can you hear me? Is this mike on? Okay, good. *insert loud static noise here* Snake! I AM YOU! I AM YOUR SHADOW! With a push of the A button, I can make you drop a frag grenade only to get blasted by it while muttering a loud ‘damn!’ Har har har! How does it feel to be so weak and powerless, Snake? Father never liked you – in fact, Father never liked any videogame characters that appeared in videogames costing 30 dollars and upwards. And so it is with great sickly pleaseure that I announce my plan to kill you 3600 times within 24 hours, much like the how the Unix Server Administrator was PK-ed 36 times in 24 hours. *at this point, KIRBYSIM draws a little Kirby cartoon on Solid Snake’s head in a MGS:TTS poster* You’re mine, Snake. Once I’ve placed my mark on you, you’re all that I will think about. The Kirby (by the way, ravens suck) is foreseeing your death… all 3600 times!
But before I embark on this epic task, first I need to go take a leak.
*KIRBYSIM stands up and begins to walk to the toilet when…*
Hey, who left this skunky cardboard box right here? Hmm.. it’s labelled ‘To Heliport’. Where the hell can you find a Heliport in Singapore anywa…
Did’ja know.. that this blog entry is not a final edit? I actually spent some time reading through the script of the game, courtesy of GameFAQs, and picked out quite a number of lines to edit this post (particularly the ‘speech’ part).
However, due to some technical error, my edits vanished into thin air, leaving all you late readers with the original, unpolished entry, and a feeling of being cheated.